I Dreamed of Everything…Except Being Chosen

Let’s Talk Childhood Dreams

Do you remember all the dreams you had of your life when you grew up?

I remember mine so vividly. When I was growing up, I had a clear vision of what my life would look like.

I knew the kind of cars I wanted to drive.
I knew what I envisioned myself looking like.
I had dreams about my career, my house, I even knew the vacations I would take. Every detail felt intentional.

But there was one thing missing from that dream.

Love.

I never imagined what kind of relationship I would be in. I knew I wanted children, but a partner—whether a man or a woman—was never part of the picture.

And it took me years to understand why.

I didn’t see love in my future because I was convinced no one would ever want a fat woman.

That belief didn’t come out of nowhere. It was taught through everything around me.

Think about the shows we grew up watching. One of my favorites was The Parkers. Mo’Nique played a beautiful, confident, brown, fat woman named Nikki Parker… she had all the beautiful attributes yet her entire storyline revolved around chasing a man who didn’t want her. He ran from her, rejected her, laughed her off. And yes, if you watched it through, he eventually came around but what message did that really send?

It told me that women who looked like me were not the first choice.
That we had to chase love.
That we had to prove ourselves worthy of being chosen.
And then maybe, just maybe, we would get picked in the end… but only after being rejected first.

So I internalized that.

I grew up believing that if I ever wanted love, I would have to settle.
Settle for being someone’s second choice.
Their backup plan.
Their “good enough.”

And for a long time, my real-life experiences only reinforced that belief.

Men didn’t approach me with genuine intentions.
Some were only interested because of a fetish.
Some assumed I would take care of them.
Some wanted access to my body but not a real relationship.
And others? They wanted me but only in private, never out loud.

I became the secret.
The convenience.
The placeholder.

After a while, I stopped dreaming about love altogether.

I convinced myself I didn’t need it. That I would build a life on my own, have my children, and skip the part where someone chooses me because I didn’t believe that would ever happen in a real, healthy way.

But then… my life proved me wrong.

Do I still believe those things?

Hell No!

I am married now, and the love I experience has completely reshaped how I see myself and what I know I deserve.

For the first time, I experienced a love that wasn’t conditional.
A love that didn’t require me to shrink, perform, or overgive.
A love that didn’t make me feel like I had to earn my place in someone’s life.

And let me say this clearly:

Fat women deserve real love.

Not struggle love.
Not hidden love.
Not love that comes with conditions, embarrassment, or sacrifice of self.

We deserve soft love.
Safe love.
Reciprocated love.

The kind of love where we are chosen, fully, openly, and without hesitation.

Looking back, I realize how dangerous those early beliefs were. Not just because they made me doubt love but because they made me doubt myself.

They made me think I was something to settle for.

But I’m not.

And neither are you.

If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell her this:

You are not too much.
You are not undesirable.
You are not a last resort.

You are worthy of being someone’s first choice without having to chase, prove, or beg for it.

And the love you deserve?

It exists.

Even if you haven’t experienced it yet.
Even if the world has tried to convince you otherwise.

Don’t let your childhood dreams limit what your adult life can become.

Because sometimes, the most beautiful parts of your life…
are the ones you never believed were possible.

With love K 🩷